Joint custody, with shared parenting where children go back and forth between two parental households has been in vogue in the Unites States for a while. Most often it is the children that relocate to the other parent every few days or few weeks. This means the children have two homes, two bedrooms, two sets of belongings, two schedules, and two household routines to adjust to every few days or weeks.
Divorcing parents agree to these arrangements as a way of giving each parent fifty percent of their time with the children, an even-steven split. Court mediators and judges uphold and even push for these arrangements citing their “fairness” to each parent.
But, what about the children? How “fair” is this joint physical custody with constant relocating for them? After forty years of practice doing psychotherapy with these children and their parents I find these children suffer emotionally from these arrangements. First of all, they feel tremendous expectations are placed on them to please each parent and do what is expected. They feel pressured emotionally and are physically exhausted. Secondly, adjusting to two different parenting styles is arduous. When their parents were married usually only one of them ran the children’s schedules. With divorce, the children see more clearly how each parent operates on his/her own.
Most children convey to me a very disorganized, erratic existence with one parent and an organized, predictable experience with the other parent. They are thrown back and forth between these two extremes with each relocation. As a result they suffer anxiety, depression, academic failure and loss of self-esteem in trying to cope with being overwhelmed by meeting their parents’ needs for “equality.”
Only if a parent understands himself and has empathy for his/her child will he not undertake shared custody and pressure his children to meet his or her needs.
What has your experience been with shared physical custody? How well do your children cope? How did you cope if you experienced shared physical custody?
What’s your suggestion for maintaining relationships with both parents following a divorce? Nesting? Primary custody?
Such a great topic to dicusss. As a psychologist who works with families of divorce, and a lot of high conflict divorce, I see the issue as multifaceted and very complex.
Thank you for your comment and question. What I find works best for the child is for the more caregiving parent to have primary custody with the other noncustodial parent having regular visitation. By regular visitation I mean frequently but not rigidly the same time or days necessarily. The schedule for visitation should depend more on the child’s schedule and needs rather than the parents. This is a more child-focused approach. I see split and joint custody as more parent-centered, catering to parents wants and needs.
Dr Adam’s, how many case studies have proven this type of results? What were the parents like and how did the child react to only seeing the other parent every other week or whenever it was good for the child? As a father I was stripped of my kids and forced to only see them every other week. My kids hated it and suffered from lack of the other parent in their life. Because of that I suffered watching this happened and did no good for my kids. I am not I. Favor of this. I believe that both parents who while heartily love their kids should share equal time results look tung I joint custody.
Thank you for commenting. I am sorry you find your children have suffered.
I am currently in joint custody . i am the mother of a beautiful 2 year old daughter. I am worried about her everytime she coems from her biological fathers house she doesnt seem like herself shes jumpy. Shes seems sad most of the time not her happy self. If she does something she thinls she is wrong . shes confused but im worried that even though she is two years old i know it is taking a toll on her. What do you reccomend ?
Thank you for your question. I am sorry you find your daughter is suffering. I would suggest talking with her father about the situation and getting your daughter into counseling to find out what the problem is. Once that is figured out, you and her father can better decide what to do and who might need to be in some type of therapy or if a different type of custody arrangement would be helpful.
I am researching this now, as I have two children with whom I’ve had primary custody, seeing their dad every other weekend, and now another who is 50/50. My 50/50 is struggling with this arrangement, but neither of us are willing to give up custody to the other.
My home is structured, but flexible. I have more empathy than I’ve known my son’s father to have, and remain calm and understanding to his needs. I am not permissive, but also not authoritative. His father, from what I know, is likely to be authoritative and has less emotional intelligence, but likely has a strict routine. The routines are similar, wake, dress, school, play time, dinner, bath, book, bed.
I will continue my research and would like to discuss more if you are open to hearing it out and possibly giving us suggestions.
Thanks for writing. Can you please be more specific as to what help you need from me? Thanks.
How come you didn’t answer any of Tim’s questions
I cannot find any questions from Tim. Sorry.
My daughter goes from my house one week to her dad’s the next week and so on. She has done this for 5 years. She will be 6 in September. She has had 5 different daycares, 3 different counselors, I am at my breaking point. I do not know what else to do. Dad does not care and refuses to see that there is an issue. Please help me, please can someone give me recommendations of any kind. I do not have money to go back to court, I have also been told because it is 50/50 they can’t do anything unless she is being sexually abused.
Thank you for commenting. If you have not had a Guardian ad Litem––an attorney––for your daughter, you might try and get one so she has her own representation in court. You do not say what difficulties your daughter is having. Perhaps a therapist with experience treating children who are in split custody would be able to help your daughter. Best of luck. These situations are difficult.
Half and half never works
I think that is the case, especially with custody.
I believe that each Parent should meticulously look at the reason for the Divorce. Weigh out the pros and cons of this decision. I do believe in many cases this is done but there also are cases where infidelity happens or one party grows bored of the other. In these cases I would strongly suggest working through this marriage for the sake of the Children. If the man or women isn’t a Psychopath or a threat to you or the Children it may assist the children in greater ways that can be explained here in they go to counseling and work it through. Maybe even Hypnotherapy simultaneously. The damage from a divorce is carried on for generations when you investigate it. Sometimes irreparable. In many cases couples do grow apart but if you concentrate on the betterment of your offspring versus your personal needs we may find it beneficial to hang in there a few years until the kids are in college/ grown. Separation affects us all but it is understandable that sometimes it is a necessity. However my opinion is children first if all possible. Family is so necessary in times such as we live.
Thanks for the thoughtful question.
Thank you for your comment. It is sound advice that most people do not follow . Also, many people are unable to change for the sake of their children.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment. Unfortunately, most couples do not do what you suggest. Many couples are unable to change their approaches for the sake of their children.
You sound like a good father. Not all fathers are the same and just use the time with their kids to show others what a responsible parent they are. Every case is different and you seem genuine which makes it sad that you don’t have the time with your children. But what happens when the father isn’t like you and they have no choice but to go back and forth between parents and it’s affecting them.
So true Recently a judge ordered 50/50 custody after I’ve been the primary care-giver for 3 years. My oldest daughter seems depressed began pulling out her hair youngest says she bites at her mom in defense. Social worker testified of the mothers physical abuse and coaching children and yet the court ordered 50/50?
I always take kids to their after school activities and the mom refuses to support chidren shes very parent based and paranoid judge unfortunately could not see the obvious my lawyer and I were in shock. Now children suffer..
Thanks for sharing your story about your children. I am sorry they are having difficulties. Unfortunately, 50-50 shared custody is a common court decision. My thought is to find a counselor or therapist who would work with you, your children and their mother to alleviate some of the distress.
Read Bible.every struggle is in God’s hands. Try to make reasonable changes. If changes aren’t made by court ,try to find peace around the kids. They pick up on our frustrations. Find joy where you can Research how to help your kids..the psychology around the response to abuse. Don’t give up on keeping your kids safe. Forgive your ex for your own welfare.
I completely agree with this. I haven’t divorced my husband because I know it’s not in the best interest of my daughter. Not only can I not trust him to care for her properly, she also spends the majority of her time with me. Spending 50% of her time away from me would be just as scary and confusing for her as being forced to spend the other 50% with him. He is emotionally abusive in our relationship but because he hasn’t hit me no one seems to care. If he treats me poorly now and doesn’t take care of his child now, I can’t expect any of it to get better when we are apart. I guess my question is at what point is it better for her that we get divorced rather than stay together? I’m afraid of the emotional trauma she’s going to have from watching him treat me poorly everyday. I’m also afraid of how he will treat her when she’s older. He’s already yelled at her and told her not to cry or fuss and she’s only 2. I would consider his treatment of her at times to be emotionally abusive. I’m afraid of how much worse it could be if I wasn’t there to intervene. The law says that he gets 50% custody though. There is no way for me to prove how abusive he is at home. My lawyer said recordings aren’t admissible in court either. It feels like he can neglect her and be as emotionally abusive as he wants and there is no way out for either of us. It’s just my word against his. If I stay at least I can try to mitigate it as much as possible. If I go then I’m just leaving her undefended for half of her life. I don’t know what’s in her best interest anymore and I worry about the long term effects my decisions will have on her. She didn’t choose her father I did. It’s not fair that she should have to suffer the consequences of my poor decision making. I don’t know that there is a black and white answer for this but I don’t know where the line is anymore.
Thanks for writing.You sound like you are in a tough situation. Have you thought of some therapy for yourself to figure out how to negotiate your situation? Your line is somwhere for you to find.a consult with an attorney may also be helpful.
Also, my book, “Living on Automatic” may be of benefit in helping you to understand how this came about and how personalities and relationships develop.
Best of luck to you and your daughter.
I am going through the same thing right now 50/50 is NOT the answer for the kids its good for the parents wants but not in the best interest of children. kids need stability. at this point I wish I stayed to divert the abuse to because atleast I would know my children are safe . its terrifying not knowing what is going on when im noy there
You can also get sole custody with visitation or in some cases visitation can be limited or restricted completely.
As a single parent having to put my children through joint custody , I don’t recommend it. There has to be a better way. My children went through a living hell having to pack and unpack and having to deal with a father who never upheld pick up and drop off times. It got to the point of them choosing not wanting to see him for fear of him not bringing them back home when he should. He now is no longer in their lives and lives 2 miles away.
Thank you for commenting. Unfortunately the scenario you have mentioned happens a lot. And, that is why I do not recommend joint custody either. At some point most children also balk at the going back and forth.
Sadly, if you don’t have the presumption of 50/50, one side is encouraged to drag things through the destructive and expensive court process knowing that they’ll be favoured. 50/50 removes that incentive. Also, young children have no problem with the back and forth – they take things far more in their stride than adults or older kids, who, in their teens are emotionally and psychologically developed enough to make more of their own choices. So, for young kids, 50/50 is a ‘must’, don’t you agree?
Thanks for writing and for your question. In my 40 years of experience children do not do well with 50/50 custody arrangements and do not like them. I find in divorces parents are very different from one another and they parent very differently. You might be interested in my book, “Living on Automatic,” Which tells about my research in custody cases.
My name is Brittany I share joint legal custody with my ex over our 5 year old son and I am primarily physical custodian. I am planning on moving this summer still in the 100 miles as the crow flies in Michigan from my sons dad. He wants to do a week on week off thing and the therapist agrees that it’s too much back and forth for him but says she can’t get involved in legal issues due to liability. Our son struggles with changes, whether it’s here at my house or school. His dad and I do not coparent well. I want to have one set schedule for every other weekend and I even told him he could take him for a week in the summer each month. That’s not good enough for him. Is 5 too young to be traveling back and forth all summer between two different households?
Thank you
Thanks for your comment. Have you thought about getting some professionals involved on your son’s behalf––therapist, attorney? I am not in favor of children going back and forth in short time periods, as you know from my articles.
I wish you the best of luck.
Christine B.L. Adams, MD
While I understand your article and the stance you are taking here, unfortunately, joint custody and splitting time is vital for children to do. My husband and his child’s mother are different ethnicities. Why automatically give primary to the white mother who can never teach her son how to 1. Be a man and 2. How to be a black man in the United States. Most “caregivers” are considered the mothers because as women, we tend to be a bit more organized when it comes to school information, teacher’s names, doctor’s names, etc however, we are not in the 1940s. All of this information is available online for children and does not have to be memorized to be considered an adequate caregiver or more valuable. Also, most women only fight to take their children away from fathers as payback, and they get away with it because of our court system being unjust and suitable for women in these situations. It’s embarrassing as a woman to see this happen.
Your article is okay, and I see what you’re saying, but stating that only one parent should have primary custody (which would mean the noncustodial parent would have to pay a huge amount of child support and probably not able to live and support themselves), is just an interesting and one-sided stance. Parents (men or women) should not be looked at or treated as an ATM just because of bitterness. Bi-racial children need to know both sides of their family and parents to truly understand their identity and who they are. Being a caregiver means something different to everyone and the situation. So how would a court decide who the caregiver is? Oh yeah… just assume it’s the mother.
Thanks for writing. I think a better approach to custody decisions is to look at which parent is the most empathic one and who provides the most care.In my experience this will be mothers half the time and fathers half the time. By doing this courts would insure children are recipients of care as they grow up and not having to give care to a parent. My book, “Living on Automatic” might be of interest as it explains my research on this topic.
I think most of the time children are given to moms because we are generally the caretakers! And I dont see why a white woman couldnt raise a black man. No, she doesnt know HOW to be a man but she knows what a good one is! My ex and I coparent our kids wonderfully. We get along for the most part and truly feel that we work in the best interest of our kids. My first husband and I did 50/50. It worked fantastic!! At least for us! Lol. As my daughter got older tho she did tell me it was a bit unnerving to her because she was like where am i at tonight. So, i would say 50/50 is great for under 5, but once they are in school it is much more beneficial to the child to be in one place during the week. If that means one parent has to give up some time ..well so be it. ITS ABOUT YOUR KIDS. NOT YOU. We then developed a plan where my daughter was with me during week. Her dad picked her up every day from school and brought her to my house. He would also take her any weekend he wanted to. This arrangement worked great. And when she got older it flipped. She was at her dads during week and then my house weekends. We let her decide where she wanted to go. This def reqs communication with each other as disciplines and rewards must function in both households. So if shes grounded at dads, shes grounded at moms.
Thanks for writing. I am glad your arrangement has worked so well for you. It is a rare event in my experience.
I agree that this is very stressful for the children and the families that are involved in it my question is though how do you make the courts or the other parents the otherwise when you know it’s so bad for the children and they are starting to be affected by this because their grades are our grades are feeling and be are just organized and self-esteem is low
Thank you for writing and for your question. It is a good one. I recommend counseling for parents and children caught up in joint custody. You might let your and your child’s attorneys and the judge know about my book, Living on Automatic, which describes my 40 years of research on this issue.In the book I talk about why joint custody does not work and should not take place.
I appreciate and respect your professional achievements, but could your conclusion based on your 40 years of experience contain a certain amount of (scientific) bias? For instance, clients who seek psychotherapy are probably not your average divorced family . . . they’d be the outliers on the bell curve. So they’re outcomes would be different. Can you cite peer reviewed academic studies that both support and dispute 50/50 custody? Cynicism aside, there must be some solid reasons why states have moved to 50/50.
Thanks for writing and for your questions. My conclusions re 50/50 custody are drawn from both psychotherapy cases and court cases in which I was an expert witness. Non-patients seem to have the same problems as patients when it comes to split custody arrangements.
Right now I know of no peer-reviewed academic studies about 50/50 custody. My data comes from work with hundreds of people.
I think states move to 50/50 custody because it is easier for judges.Listen to my podcast about this at Schein On Podcast. I give several reasons why this has happened.
My book, “Living on Automatic,” gives information as to why joint custody fails for children. It is because of the ways parents select one another for marriage in the first place.
What about the Wake Forest study by Linda Nielsen that reviews 60 parenting time studies and contradicts your position?
50 50 custody can be very hard on the children. Why not just have both parents live in the same neighborhood for the sake of the children and structure the adult lives around the raising of the children more instead around the adults. There is only one chance to raise your kids and so much of their future depends on taking this job as a parent seriously. I wish more parents treated each other with respect for the sake of the kids and put the kids first. I really appreciate the parents that are out there coaching their child’s sports teams and living close to the kids so the kids do not have to live dual lives. It is very hard on children having to live dual lives and it really puts them at a disadvantage. Of course kids need both parents and smart parents can figure out how to make this work I. A respectful and helpful way….teamwork is the key.
For many of the divorcing parents we see, custody issues are ongoing and challenging. I agree that custody should be based on the needs of the children rather than those of the parent. And primary physical custody resting with one parent may be in the best interest of the child. In many cases, determining which parent should have primary physical custody can be tricky if both parents are equally available (or not). And children cannot be put in the position of choosing until they are much older. So frequently divorces are contentious and both parents have themselves believing they alone know what’s best for their child, thinking they are actually saving their child from the ill effects of the other parent. This dynamic takes on a life of its own with the child trapped, ping ponging between two parents who hate each other more than they can stay focused on the needs of their children.
Thank you for engaging in the conversation. I do not think primary physical custody should be decided on the availability of the parents, as you mention. I think it should be decided on the basis of which parent is best able to emotionally take care of the child and be the most nurturing. In my experience one parent displays these attributes and one does not. This is due to how people get married in the first place with opposite personality types most often finding each other appealing. I am just completing co-authoring a book on this, Living On Automatic: How Emotional Conditioning Shapes Our Lives and Relationships. I hope to have it published within the next year.
Yes. I agree with those that say forcing children into a back and forth custodial arrangement is not in the best interest of the children. Nor is brainwashing them that it is best for them. They need stability. Especially as they grow older. Going back and forth in constant motion ( a few days here and then a few days there or even week to week) is a ridiculous notion and an unstable way for children to live out their childhood. It only satisfies the selfish parent’s motivations, wants and desires and not the children’s needs. If a parent wants and demands a 50/50 custody split that marriage never should have happened unfortunately. Who brings children in this world together with the other parent and then splits up and then forces the life of the kids to be split? Plain selfishness and recklessness. Unfortunately, some judges think they do right by kids by splitting them up between their parents 50/50 but it is actually detrimental. (There are unethical and corrupt judges too though with sinister motivations.) I have witnessed my own children go down hill and down hill fast over the past few years ever since my ex obtained an increase in time to 50/50 with the two older of our three children and just under with the youngest. They are wonderful children but are stressed, depressed, performing mediocre for the oldest in school from performing stellar previously. My middle child is super intelligent but is losing his intrinsic motivation to perform outstanding as he always did before It’s a lack of desire to do well. Self esteem issues in all three. I’d like to also mention the divorce that occurred was a unilateral no fault forced divorce. I would never wish it upon my children but their father changed his mind and wanted to live a self centered focused different life. Also, it takes two incomes or the income of one equal to two to sustain a reasonable household. Money is also a motivation to obtain 50/50 for some parents because they get a reduction in what they have to pay or support the other household for in child support. That was the motivation of my ex although he said he wanted more time with the kids. I was primary parent for almost four years and the week he got remarried (a year after our divorce was final) he suddenly had a change of mind to want more time. Unfortunately, the particular judge who was assigned ( or personally picked by the unethical attorney of my ex) agreed. Another judge could have simply just given an additional overnight or extended weekend into Monday only. My children have suffered too many detrimental effects of divorce due to the selfish motivations of their father and a judge who enabled him to cause more harm to our kids with a back and forth equal split. Kids are not property nor should they be shared as such.
Thank you for sharing your viewpoint and story.
Wow I needed to hear this in particular your experience. Thank you . I honestly had no clue as this being my first child (14mo) that is splitting time From week to week would be so selfish of us :-(. Now back to the drawing board because where as I feel like the father is a great dad he also have a warped mentality when it comes to life and just how he does things which I know with my son being around him 24/7 can go into effect (bad habits) but he is the father. I’m torn because I feel guilty or like I’m letting go of my parental responsibilities by choosing to let my (SON) stay full time with his day which I mention loves and cares for his “mini me”. I also do believe a boy needs a man to show him how to be a man. Now I’m not saying I couldn’t do a well job hence why we spit the time but listening to al of you all that’s ridiculous and can and will have an adverse affect on the child so now we have a week before we spilt from the lease and well I don’t want to give him sole custody we. What do you suggest ? When we both love our so very much. I work and he doesn’t. He has his family they are JW I am not. Ugh
I am not sure I understand what you are asking. Could you please put it in the form of a question? Thanks.
Try being a Dad who is by far the better parent, but, in the biased and prejudiced family courts, gets totally sidelined based on nothing but his gender and you’ll have a different perspective. It’s interesting how Family ‘Law’ is allowed to breach all other laws around Equality,, is it not?
The UK’s presumption of Mother is Best is badly outdated, ill-warranted and of gross disservice to the children who, to a large extent, lose a parent in all but name.
I always proposed shared parenting – living nearby made that very easy – and my kids always asked for it. They love each parent equally, so why not see them equally? 50/50 should be THE basis for all custody negotiations, with adjustments possible on agreement or good reason. Anything but equality just opens to door, very widely, to spite-driven court campaigns, imbalance and injustice, does it not? Furthermore, what does inequality say to the child? What ideas about social norms does it give them?
Thank you for your comments and questions. For more information on my viewpoint you might be interested in my book, Living on Automatic Many children do not do well with shared parenting because parents parent so differently and one does not usually meet the child’s needs well, in my 40 years of experience.
The financial argument is a fool’s errand. It costs far more to actually care for the children than is saved by caring for the children in a 50/50 structure. Further, the argument cuts both ways in that one party could seek more custody for perceived financial gain.
When considering the financial motives involved in determining custody, consider that the state is the largest benefactor of child support. This is because funds collected are matched by the Federal Government. The theory that this subsidy helps reduce burdens on other Federal Assistance programs (like welfare) may or may not hold valid. Regardless, any incentive to increase child support creates the possibility of bias. Not surprisingly, men are categorized as the most able to pay, and conveniently get the least amount of parenting time.
The next biggest winners financially are the attorneys.
The Court starting with a rebuttal presumption is the only way disincentivize conflict between the parties and then weigh any relevant facts that determine children’s best interests.
Kentucky, where Dr. Adams is located, was one of the first to take this step and has seen improved outcomes across many metrics.
I have a grandson who is now 2 and been going back and forth on joint custody since January.he stays with me the majority of the time and I have no rights when his mother picks him up for her week he screams as if he being kidnapped.ive never seen a child act this way about there mother. It breaks my heart to have to give him to her when he asking begging me to get him. I’m afraid he may be being neglected or worse. And when he is with his father he happy he plays but if I start to leave he wants to go with me . Yet I have no rights. The mother usually doesn’t get the child but maybe a couple of days on her week starting on a Tuesday and Wednesday and then he’s back with me from then on out . The mother started living with her new found boy friend as soon as they Separated and say the child maybe 6 times within 4 months.then the 2 parents get in a disagreement and she makes sure she gets him and he screams and I worry about him so much. It’s out of spite and I’m afraid to try to get custody of child because no matter what’s best for child they side with parents even though the parents aren’t actually raising the child (grandmother is). Don’t really know what to do.
Thank you for your comment. Joint custody is hard on many children. I am sorry your grandson is having a difficult time. You might talk with both parents and ask if they would go to counseling and include you. You might also ask an attorney for advice. Best to you.
I have a 3 1/2 year old step son who goes back and forth with his parents. One parent is organized and like you said, the other not so much. One disciplines more while the other doesn’t. He is starting to lash out and be disrespectful towards me and sometimes other people. He is overall a great kid but going through some stage. He also goes three days here and three days over there. Do you think that is affecting the way he’s acting? Like the inconsistency?
Thanks for your question. In order to know the answer you would have to suggest your step-son be evaluated by someone who specializes in counselling work with children, especially children whose parents have recently been divorced. You might also share your observations with his parents.
I am a child who suffered a great deal due to my parents hatred of each other and their own selfishness. I went back and forth between homes every Wednesday and every other weekend. My dad usually lived at least 30 minutes to an hour and a half away from my mom. We moved many many times. I think I counted once and it was over 36 houses I could rememeber. Both my parents remarried multiple times. This meant new family members, new surroundings, all to be loved and then taken away. My trust in people diminished greatly due to this and I developed deep feelings of abandonment and fear of rejection. I feel joint custody has effected me a great deal emotionally and I am just starting to realize how much it is at the age of 24. My relationships suffer a great deal. I switch from one mood to another and have terrible self esteem.. its incredibly hard for me to make decisions. I question myself a lot. One of my parents was more nurturimg and passive with the rules, my mother, while my father was also passive, but his wives would run the show and each one would have their own different set of rules or way of running things. I honestly don’t feel like I belong anywhere. I wasn’t able to establish an identity or sense of self due to the constant upheaval and moving. There was no consistency. I run away from my problems. Please don’t do this to your children. I am currently taking child growth and development hoping I may learn what will be best for my kids, as I now know what terrible examples I had. I am afraid that I will have learned their bad parenting skills and that I will screw up my kids as well. Here’s to hoping I don’t. No kids yet.
Thank you for writing and sharing your story. I have seen many children who have had the same experience as you. This is why I do not recommend joint custody for any child. I hope you will seek out psychotherapy to help you better understand what has happened to you.
I truly feel for you and I hope you find the support you need. I don’t agree with 50 50 custody when one parent is emotionally available and the other is a narcissist and only thinks of how it looks to other people if he doesn’t share custody and sees his kids as something he owns. My grandchild doesn’t want to go to her dads every week, always asks her mum, how many nights until I come back? It’s heartbreaking. She often describes her dad as angry and harsh. Spends no quality time with her. Always on his phone but won’t let her call her mum. Dismisses her emotions when she misses her mum and cries. She’s only 6. Yet the courts think 50 50 is fair! On whom?? It’s a terrible situation when the parents are completely different. When one shows nuture and empathy and the other one doesn’t.
My grandson is 4 and is acting out terribly when he is with his mother. To the point of getting kicked out of head start. The teachers say he is the best kid when he knows he is going to his dad’s. Any suggestions to how to handle that situation?
I am sorry your grandson is upset. I suggest you talk with his parents about getting him some professional counseling help to figure out what is going on.
So who wants to willingly. It’s in the child’s best interest but is a mother willing to give this up as well or just the father. Issue is not black and white. Who wants to willingly be a eow parent will mother willingly become that or will a father willingly become that. It’s not straight forward. Everyone is thinking what’s best for kids but at same time an eow parent becomes of little influence and impact on the kids lives which is not easy to become It’s horrible on a parents mental health as well. Most households both parents have jobs now so child rearing is actually done by both parents. The question becomes which parent loves they’re kid more to become an eow parent where father is usually shoved into that role but would a mother put her self in that role and accept it?
Thanks for writing. I find it is difficult for everyone. What I suggest in custody cases is what might be best for the child, not the parents.
With all due respect, having grown up as a child in joint custody, it sounds like the mother needs professional counseling, not the grandson. Many of these responses suggest sending the child to a therapist when it’s the adults who are not acting like responsible parents. Generally speaking, divorce is an adult-centric institution which prioritizes the needs of parents at the expense of their children. Unless the adults grew up in a joint custody situation, they will never understand the emotional complexities their children will have to navigate for literally the rest of their lives. The good news: Most kids learn to be resilient, resourceful, and independent, with a healthy distrust of authority. They persist in loving their parents, warts and all.
Thank you for your comment from the point of view of having grown up in joint custody. I recommend therapy for children in these joint custody situations to find out the child’s point of view about what is going on with his or her parents. This way no one jumps to conclusions about how the child sees the situation. Then in family sessions children can let each parent know what their difficulties are with the joint custody arrangement. Then the therapist and child can see if the parent(s) can make the necessary changes to lessen the child’s suffering.
I’m Hymi i have a 3 year old boy we are on custody battle with his father i totalu agree with your point of view that the court is more parent centered. So we have a temporary custody of one week with me one week with his father . He is only 3 but he is always upset he is not happy boy like he used to be what can i do for my boy to keep him happy
Thank you for your comment. I am sorry your boy is suffering. I would suggest taking him to see a child psychiatrist or psychologist who specializes in child custody matters. The professional can figure out what the problem is and if it is caused by the joint living arrangements or by something else. Best of luck.
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Very informative blog article. Thanks Again. Awesome. Berry Osmund Waldo
I have a granddaughter that goes back and forth between her parents every day of the week then switches between parents on weekends. Teachers, and counselors are saying that it is too much back and forth for a 6 year old.
Her counselor will not make a recommendation to the GAL until she has some hard evidence/research that going back and forth everyday is not good for her. I believe everyone is intimidated by the dad and reluctant to do anything without proof. The parents do not get along and only communicate on My Family Wizard. The father is bitter and will do whatever he can to reduce the time with the mom. The mom works out of her home 20 hours a week is happily married and has a 2 year old son as well, which my granddaughter misses terribly. In the summer the Dad’s sister picks up my granddaughter on his days and takes care of her. She has her own 2 year old son and complains about being overwhelmed. My granddaughter wants to stay with her own mother and brother who are available to take her vs. an aunt that is crabby and tired. When anyone approaches the dad his comments are “don’t tell me how to raise my daughter.” Question: can anyone give me evidence that going back and forth everyday is not in a child’s best interest. I need research vs. opinions. Also the teachers feel my granddaughter has attention deficit disorder and needs as much consistency as possible.
I will look into finding some articles for you. Thanks for writing.
Were there articles posted anywhere to this comment? Thank you!
I am not sure what you are referring to re articles posted about this comment. But, I have a lot of information about this topic in my book, “Living on Automatic: How Emotional Conditioning Shapes Our Lives and Relationships.”
“Wow, great blog article. Much obliged.” Houston Hatzenbuhler
At what age do you stop moving kids back and forth between houses? Our kids are 12, 16 and 18. After 5 years of 50/50 weekly swaps, our 18 year old has had it. They are physically tired of moving their things. We were never able to really establish two sets of clothes to keep at each house bc they have their favorites. And shoes, sports equipment, video games, guitars. It looks crazy packing and unpacking all this every week. So we changed it up to every 2 weeks. They all seem happier and more settled but it’s harder on the parents. I can live with it but my ex wants to go back to weekly. I think when my 18 yo graduates and begins working full time, he should pick a house and settle. How have others handled this type of situation? Thanks
People alter these arrangements in a variety of ways, as many ways as you can imagine. Some people opt for sole custody and residence. Others let the children make decisions on how to alter the back-and-forth living. Some children become emotionally ill trying to do the back-and-forth business. These get into therapy, work out new arrangements, and experience a gain in self-esteem, in my experience.
By the middle and high school years, many children have put their foot down and arrange to live with one parent and visit the other. They tell me they want to have one residence and not be nomads anymore.
As I have written, joint living arrangements in split custody are very difficult for children and for some parents. It means constant upheaval and disruption and no one place to call home.
Good luck.
I am also curious about a young adult that is 19. Is it healthy for anyone at this age to go back and forth between his mother and father’s homes? How would a parent express their concern for the young adult’s emotional health without making it seem they don’t desire to see them as much? I would think it would be disruptive for everyone involved especially when the young adult should begin seeking their own independence away from both parents.
Thanks for writing. You ask an interesting question. A therapist might be sought to help the young man talk about what he goes through shifting into two different households at his age.
First off I would like to thank you for writing this article.
Secondly I would appreciate some guidance, I have been separated from my ex-wife for just about 5 years. During this time we have only lived within 8 hours of each other for 1.5 years. I have had custody of the children the entire time, in the last year she has been requesting that we are civil and move to a 50/50 split where the children move from my home in Tennessee to her home in South Carolina every school year. There is also one other very large impact, I have been in the Army for almost 10 years now but will be getting out in the next few years to provide a more stable home for the children, my ex-wife is currently married to a Marine and they plan on continuing service for another 14 years. My fear is that forcing the children to move yearly from my home to my ex-wife’s home would impact the children negatively. One more thing that I could say is that I have remarried and now have a total of 5 children where my ex-wife now is re-married and has 3 children. My daughter is 7 and wants to move with her mom, and my son is 8 and wants to stay with me.
What would be the most beneficial custody for my children?
I was thinking of keeping our current arrangement of her getting 60% of the summer and every other holiday with the ofttimes that comes with it, while I have them for school times.
Thanks for your help.
Thank you for writing. For your situation, I would suggest having a court-appointed custody evaluator. This person would take a look at your entire family of ex-wife, you, and all children, and offer a recommendation to the court. Usually such evaluators are child psychiatrists or psychologists. I hope this helps. Good luck.
What is your point of view of a toddler being with one parent for a week than the other parent for a week and so forth? Is this emotionally stable for a toddler? Or mentally or even physically stable for the toddler?
I do not have an opinion. I do not know you or how this is working. You might consult with a professional who can evaluate the situation and provide suggestions. Good luck. Christine B. L. Adams, MD
Hi there,
I am really hoping you can help me! I have a daughter, aged 7 who I am wonderfully close to. We have an incredible relationship and the dad has had minimal involvement. Out of the blue her dad is now asking for 50/50. I broke up with him in my first trimester to give you a basic idea of our situation. My daughter has ALWAYS lived with me. I loved your article and have always believed in what you are saying. I am in need of more though!! Can you point me to more resources backing up your views? I know youre right. To be its common sense. But I need some more articles….Can you please please help me? Ive meditation starting in 2 weeks…. Thank you so so much.
Dr. Adams, your view that primary physical custody is, for most families, the best child-centric post-divorce custody arrangement is so refreshing versus the current dominant thinking, pushed by the coparenting industry — including albeit well-intending experienced psychologists, serving as coparenting counselors and divorce-involved child specialists as well-reputed custody evaluators — where the gold standard for “best interest of the child” is 50-50 shared physical custody, even when there’s an established history of a primary-parent family dynamic. The study among Swedish preschoolers that I’d guess you know of is at the forefront of a host of research touted as backing this premise that is nearly universally accepted as truth these days — that is, except by many formerly primary parents (mostly mothers), suffering broken hearts as they watch their kids attempt to adjust to such a radical change, involving so much loss of emotional security and stability they’re forced to accept as what’s “best for them.” Is there also a current body of compelling research to support your disparate view? I hope so! If so, could you provide a list of specific studies? Thank you.
Thank you for writing and for your comment and question. My findings are based on 40 years of psychotherapy practice as a psychiatrist, as well as being an expert witness in custody/visitation matters.
I am co-author of the book, “Living on Automatic––How Emotional Conditioning Shapes Our Lives and Relationships.” My observations and basis for deciding why sole custody with the most caregiving parent works best are in my book.
I do not know of a current body of current research that supports my viewpoint. I have to start with what I discovered over my 40 years of practice. As you are aware, the current vogue is for joint custody with 50-50 time split with each parent.
If you discover studies I may have missed, please let me know. Thanks again for writing.
Christine B. L. Adams, MD
Currently have a 10 year girl that is telling us she just would like to have a normal kids life (where parents are still together). We are both great parents but she just hates going back and forth all the time. How should we handle the situation, given the fact that we both live her and she’s both our worlds? I believe we both feel like we would be losing someone we love! However nor do I want to push her away by not allowing her to make a choice!
Thanks for writing. I might suggest inviting your daughter to talk with both of you about the situation and come up with a better plan. You might also find your daughter a therapist who can help you and her figure out what the issues are in going back and forth that your daughter does not like or want. Best of luck.
My situation is my son who’s almost a teenager goes to his father’s in another state every few months (most school breaks) and it doesn’t matter if it’s 5 days or two weeks, he comes back confused and sad. I feel the going back and fourth is detrimental to a child mind no matter the age or frequency. Children thrive from structure and going back and fourth ruins that sense of comfort and familiarity for the child. In my opinion of course. I’m not a professional.
I have found what you observe to be the case about going back and forth. You might find a therapist for your son. You might also invite him to talk with you about the difference you see in him after he visits his father. He may tell you what the problem is. Best of luck to you and your son.
I have a question about distance? My husband and I are planning on 50/50 custody, but he wants to move 30 minutes away. I will physically have our children more but I want them to see their dad as much as possible to ease the transition. The farther he moves, the more difficult that will be, and I just can’t bare it for them. He believes it will not affect them. If we want to truly make it easier on them, should we not strive to live as close as possible to each other?
Megan,
Thanks for writing. Since I do not know anything about your particular situation, I suggest you get a professional counselor to see you, your husband, and your child to evaluate the entire situation so you can make the best decision.
Best of luck,
Christine B.L. Adams, MD
I have a respectful counter argument. I’m a dad that’s in a 50/50 split with my 6 year old daughter. I didn’t think it would work as well as it has having seen it fail first hand so many times. We’re only a year in however. I think both me and my ex wife would both claim to be the primary parent. Because of work schedule we kind of have both been. I feel like I’m more loving and a better role model but my ex is both things also. The reason I think it’s working is extended family. I live near her favorite cousin and her grandparents aren’t far away either. She has grandparents and older cousins around her mom. Most of her favorite toys are at her moms still but I live in the woods and have animals. Sometimes she gets excited to be here when she’s over there and sometimes she wants to be there, which is always sad. I think right now giving her a choice on 1 house would be too hard on her. However, counter to my exes opinion I don’t think it can last indefinitely. Having read the comment section it seems the problems I worry about are justified. We’ve both agreed to not introduce significant others to her for the time being because we’ve both grown up like that. That can’t last forever and eventually someone’s going to want a serious relationship (not me, I’m jaded). Even if it does work out there’s a million other things that need worked out like how to get her stuff back and forth when her favorites are her bike and computer. I honestly think the only way she isn’t going to be negatively affected is if we live fairly close to each other, like walking distance. The mom and I aren’t there yet. I thought we were doing pretty good in the marriage and she pulled the I’m not happy card. I’ve never been able to get more than that and because of it my love has been replaced with hate. I know that’s not a good thing and I’m working that out but I haven’t done or said anything to indicate that…yet. We’re always cordial and do the required family things for school but my daughter will be able to sniff out the bs pretty soon if she hasn’t already. Like I say unless we get better together it’s going to have a negative effect on her soon. Just wanted to add my 2 cents, it can work temporarily under the right situation but I believe you’re right that it’s a bad split overall. Sorry it’s a bit long
You share wonderful observations and thoughts. Glad things seem to be going well for now for your daughter. I would be interested in knowing how the situation progresses and if your concerns for the future are borne out.
I do not believe you are correct in your assessment. It has been a hard-fought struggle for fathers to gain equal custody rights with their mothers. Until recently, the mother was given full rights and a 1 day a week every other weekend was strictly enforced. This type of arrangement would have left me with seeing my daughter for a meager 8 days per month. Leaving my influence over the life of my daughter next to zero.
The difficulty is always on the child and the child has to go back and forth no matter what. I keep a bedroom, closet, toys, tablet, food, and all other amenities for her at my place. As does her mother. Is discipline different, a culture different, or expectations different?,…yes. The environment at school is different as well when they visit grandparents or school friends, another change. Even in a well-adjusted married couple’s home, the child will experience differences.
It is not the amount of change involved but making the child feel safe in transition. Don’t ever fight in front of your child. Don’t ever alienate the other parent in front of your child. (these things are easier said than done but they happen amongst married couples as well). I teach my child that other kids will have one home and might get bored of one place. But she, when she gets fed up with one parent, gets to change everything up and gets fresh air with the other parent. It is always parent-centric no matter what. What is important is my attitude when my daughter transitions, not how many bags she carries between displacements. It is important that I treat Teddy and Gorilla (in the bag) with the utmost importance and that they go everywhere she goes. As long as both parents treat Teddy and Gorilla the same. Your child will develop a talent for handling change and pressure that other children will lack.
Honestly, I think grounding this concept that 50/50 is detrimental in some scientific thought is harmful to a father playing a participative role in the child’s life full time. The key is 50/50 when both parents are fully participative. To start off the bat calling 50/50 a problem is not a solution with all due respect Dr.
Thank you for your comments. They are thought provoking and welcome. My perspective has nothing to do with discriminating against fathers. These are my observations from four decades of working with divorcing families.Some judges proscribe 50/50 custody because they have no idea who is the better parent for the child. A lot of my writing is directed at educating those in the court process during divorce. You might be interested in seeing my blog post at PsychologyToday.com:
Both parents can engage as much as feasible in their children’s life if they have joint physical custody. joint custody vs shared custody.
Thanks for commenting. The problem is that parents who divorce rarely agree on raising their children. Their personalities are vastly different as is their ability to rear children.I have found the more caregiving parent should be the one to have custody. The other parent should have frequent visitation. Neither sex parent has the advantage in being a caregiving parent. Men are as likely as women, in my experience.
Your statement about the ability of men and women is true. Accordingly, would you have any explanation as to why women are awarded custody 80-90% of the time?
I discuss this in my podcast interview, Schein On Podcast.
You note that “neither sex parent has an advantage in being the caregiving parent”, and “men are as likely as women.”
I agree. What then explains the fact that women receive the role nearly 90% of the time?
An excellent question that I explore a bit in the podcast I did on 50/50 custody for the “Schein On Podcast.” Historically custody has fluctuated between parents. Men used to receive custody routinely. Then women did. Now, the pendulum swings for 50/50 joint custody. I think that instances where more women receive custody is left over from the 1940s-1980s.
The court system has yet to look at the quality of parenting by each parent and its effects on the children. Courts usually do what is easiest––split the child’s time with each parent. I find that the type of parent a child is parented by has a tremendous effect on each child. This information is in my book, “Living on Automatic.”
My little sister age 16 is undergoing a divorce and I feel my parents are living the motions and my sister wants to be helped. They have been divorced for two years now and she is still coping with them divorced. She has done self harm and I feel it’s a safety issue my parents say they will help but never take her to her therapy sessions. She is overwhelmed by meeting my parents needs that she is starting to have low grades, feels unmotivated, depressed. My question is will the court grant me custody for her or can I file a petition for the court to modify them. She told me she wants my help and is willing to move with me and start fresh with no one pressuring her. I am her older sister, 28 years old, married , am financially stable and have a job in nursing.
Thanks for writing. It sounds like you are in a position to help her. You raise legal questions. I suggest you discuss them with an attorney. Best of luck.
Hi there, me and my ex partner have always agreed on 50/50 custody but she wants to have alternating days whereas I believe blocks of 3/4 days would be better for stability and routines for our 2 young children, especially as our daughter is autistic and routines are vital. Do you have any advice on this?
Thanks
Rob, Thank you for your question. It is a good one. I cannot comment since I do not know your children or family. I suggest you get a professional counsellor/therapist with expertise in this area to evaluate you, your children, and the situation to see what will be best for the children. Best of luck.
My wife and I have just divorced and I am in the process of moving out. We have agreed on 50/50 alternating weeks. Naturally, reading several articles on the probable negative impact on kids is discouraging. I hope that we can mitigate the negative aspects through a variety of approaches. Our three children are 14,12, and 11. We live in a very safe walkable small town. My hope is that by finding my home very close to my Ex’s home that the children will still be able to play with the same friends no matter where they are sleeping, be able to pop in to either home anytime to get items they left at one place or the other. That we as co-parents will be able to be more flexible in helping get the kids to their activities and appointments. I believe that through both parents sacrificing the true “week off” from the kids that we can both provide a blended existence. That is my theory and hope, on top of that initial approach I plan to assess how the kids feel and encourage them keeping a journal to help them process things. After a year of trying it this way if the kids want to restructure how they live then I would be open to changing it.
You have interesting thoughts on this. I wish you and your children the best. Let me know how it goes.
Have you read any of the research and studies from the 100s Psychologists that agree 50-50 is best for all children absent physical abuse? Have you published any research or studies on the matter?
Thanks for writing. Yes, I have published my findings from 40 years of clinical practice in my book, “Living on Automatic: How Emotional Conditioning Shapes Our Lives and Relationships.” I also have a blog at Psychologytoday.com titled “Living on Automatic”, where I discuss 50/50 custody from the children’s standpoint.
Jon also asked if you were familiar with the significant body of research that seems to disprove your position. Earlier in the thread Tim asked a similar question that went without response.
You refer to 50/50 as in vogue, which seemingly discounts the significant study based findings.
I think a lot of readers would love some color here.
I can only report what I have found as a child psychiatrist seeing patients––children and adults in divorces––and also from doing custody evaluations for the courts. My book, “Living on Automatic” gives explanations and contexts for my decisions, along with many case examples. My podcast interview on “Schein On Podcast” provides further explanation of what I learned. Hope this helps you.
I myself am a child who frequently switches between 50/50 and 80/20 custody depending on the time of year. There’s about a three hour drive between my parents, often with multiple returns during the week due to extracurricular activities. My parents have very different moral stances and it tends to make me feel as if i have two houses but i don’t have a home. Do you think the constant switch in time schedule will end up taking a toll upon me? If so, what can i do?
Molly, thanks for writing. I suggest you find a therapist to discuss these concerns with. He or she can help you sort out what you want and need from what your parents want.Best of luck. Keep me posted, if you want.
My Ex and I divorced when our boys were young, we’ve remained amicable. Very flexible schedules, always try to be cordial especially around the kids. Our current spouses are also cordial, accommodating. We attend events together, communicate often and we care about our boys.
During the pandemic because the children were banned from attending school, we changed our arrangement to 1 week on 1 week off. It was to provide a change of scenery during a dark, hopeless, isolated period. We never resumed the previous custody schedule of every other weekend. My oldest son went through severe depression during the pandemic, I wonder if in part the dramatic lifestyle changes contributed. Now, my youngest son is struggling and wishes he could stay with me 100% , and just visit dad. He’s quite distraught, it affects his mood, sleep cycle, and that in turn affects his athletic performance which he lives for.
Shared custody is AWFUL. It is an adult centered, selfish idea with zero regards to children. I admit it. I got used to “my” free time after years of only having a free every other weekend. But it’s gut wrenching now to realize my child is torn apart inside. Would I have stayed married? No, not possible. But would I take back this jacked up arrangement? All day long!
My only advice is to wait to have children and don’t get married haphazardly thinking “oh well, all my friends are getting married, why not?” Well, because children of divorce suffer no matter how friendly and co-parently you are. It just sucks for them.
My son eloquently stated:
“ I hate celebrating two of each holiday each one. with just half my family”
I’m at a loss,.
Thanks for your comment and insight. You give good advice.
I am trapped in a 50/50 custody arrangement. I did not understand what I was agreeing to and was threatened with other things in order to get me to sign. It is a nightmare. No one cares at all about my daughter. Lawyers, judges-everyone is favoring dad and 50/50. Mothers and motherhood are being treated like disposable. What society has ever forced mothers to hand over their babies to fathers 50% of the time? It has never happened in the history of the world across all cultures. This is abusive to children and men need to start acting like fathers, not stealing a child of having a mother.
Thanks for commenting and pointing out some of the difficulties with 50/50 custody that you have found.
I would say the study just didn’t cover enough people. We’ve split custody since the child was two years old 50-50. We worked out all of our drama within the first six months to a year after the separation and divorce for the sake of the kid. Kid has been hopping between two households one a little more organized than the other but the disorganized home has much more fun and much more gear towards the kid than the working Mom or a much more stern environment, but pretty laid-back and fun
Kid is incredibly well adjusted, very intelligent smart has no issues in school. No issues with peers and speaks three languages fluently. Reading and writing since four. It just depends on the kid in the situation and the parents that have agreed to work together.
It took me until I was an adult to realize how harmful my parents shared custody was.
Nothing was ever about me. I have no hobbies that I couldnt take from house to house. This was a jarring realization when I worked at a company with a bunch of A-Types with all these hobbies and realized none of them were remotely viable for me as a child because of switching houses. Any problem I had at one house, I could wait a week and it would be gone. I suspect my parents werent able to effectively parent or mentor me due to this. Who wants their week with the kid to be negative, or to cause issues with the other parent. Just keep my head down and dont make waves and I can get through it each week.
My whole life was unstable and not about me. I suffer from such bad learned helplessness… why would I ever advocate for myself when from the age of 5 I had zero control over my life? Nothing I wanted ever mattered and if it did, was it worth having my parents interact… no. I dont even have a terrible relationship with them but the idea of getting married and having them both at the wedding fills me with existential dread. They would probably be fine, but id honestly just rather not deal with it at all. Which can be said about so much crap from my childhood.
“just ask the teacher for two sets of textbooks” “just do this extra thing” etc etc etc. Yes, I really want to haul double sets of textbooks back and forth from school at the start and beginning of the year. I realize now as an adult my PARENTS should have made these arrangements, not me. It was their problem to solve.
I also kinda looked back at my other divorced friends who didn’t do shared custody who are all doing better than me. Ironically, at the time, I thought I was the lucky one cause both my parents were in the picture. I have one friend who did shared custody in an even more toxic parenting relationship and he seems to have problems as bad or worse than me.
Shared custody is a disaster.
Thank you for your vivid description of your childhood living with joint custody.It will no doubt help others who read it. You detail a great deal of what I find working clinically with parents and children who attempt the joint custody route. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and insights.
How does it affect a child at 3.5 years old to have met the absent parent for the first time with three 2 hour visits and then go straight to 6 hour visits every other day of each week? Will this have a lasting impact mentally?
Thank you for writing. I suggest you work with a therapist to discover the answer to your question. That way the therapist will get to know you and your child.
Thanks for this thought-provoking article. While I completely agree on the importance of prioritizing children’s needs in custody arrangements, I found the conclusion regarding a single “primary parent” quite simplistic and not nuanced. Furthermore, your research, while interesting, is anecdotal and does not represent a broad spectrum. In some cases having a primary caretaker is more effective and in other cases the child being with parents is better for the child. It is not a one size fits all.
Overall, I appreciate your emphasis on open communication and prioritizing children’s well-being during custody discussions. It’s crucial for parents to find a solution that respects both the needs of the child and the rights of each parent.
Thank you for writing and sharing your views. You raise great points.You may be interested in my co-authored book, “Living on Automatic: How Emotional Conditioning Shapes Our Lives and Relationships.” It goes into depth and has case examples about custody issues.
How are you coming to this conclusion?You fail to share any studies or data to support what you are saying? It seems to be more of an opinion. The data and studies I’ve seen show opposite findings.
Thank you for writing. My and a colleague’s study is in our book, “Living on Automatic: How Emotional Conditioning Shapes Our Lives and Relationships.” We report on almost 4,000 people of all ages seen in our dynamic psychotherapy practices over a combined 80 years. We discovered that joint custody with children going back and forth is more detrimental than we knew. Our book has case vignettes that elaborate this. We saw children and parents in our private practices. I also worked in the court system providing expert witness testimony in divorce cases.
My son is 4 months almost 5. I’m absolutely lost when it comes to what to do about this. My sons father works 4 days on then has 4 days off. For example he would have off Saturday-Tuesday and work Wednesday-Sunday. But then the next week he would have off Sunday- Wednesday and start work again Thursday morning. He wants our son those days he has off. As the mother I do the caregiving. I’ve never been away from our son. I still haven’t gone back to work yet. That alone is hard. This is the first week our son has been away from me that long. I feel like he was mad at me or something he wasn’t smiling at me or happy to see me it was almost like he forgot me. Absolutely broke my heart. After a few hours he started to warm up. I don’t know if I should bring this to court and get something permanent. Reading some of the comments and questions im terrified my son is going to suffer from anxiety, depression, bad habits, bad academic habits. I need help please. What is a healthy way to go about this. At this point I’m willing to move back in with him and him mommy and just suffer there so my son can have a stable home. I’m young. I don’t know what to do or what it the right think to do. I just want what’s best for my son
Best to find a psychotherapist who can help you sort all this out and find a way to navigate the situation.
Best of luck.
Christine B.L. Adams, MD
My son has full custody of his kids. Because of Utah Law, the kids still have to have “parent time” with their mother in another state. The commissioner said that the kids have to fly to see their mother once a month from Friday night to Sunday night so it doesn’t interrupt the oldest child’s schooling. Flying that much will not be good emotionally and physically. The children are four and seven years old. What do you think about this?
It would be best if your son finds a good therapist to evaluate this situation. He needs someone who knows him and his children and who will involve their mother to figure out what is going on and what will be the best arrangement.
My wife and I are undergoing a divorce. We have a three-year-old son. I have moved him to my mother’s house where she and I are now taking care of him full-time. I will be taking custody of him during the school year and she will have him during summers. She and I were involved in an acrimonious relationship and it is people’s general sense that the acrimony gave the child a lot of trauma, and stifled his development. As a result it is my suspicion that the child would do better to have his mother not see him between now, October, and June when she takes custody in the Summer, because he has an unhealthy fear of separation from her as a result of her parenting practices and statements she made. She was also the one who consistently threatened to leave and packed her bags and would be an acrimonious in front of him. Since he witnessed all of these things, he has a very unhealthy fear of her departure consistently. My mother and I both feel that it makes more sense to keep him away from her and let him develop normally and he seems to be adjusting very well to the new lifestyle at my
Mothers. He is happy, singing, talking, and does not exhibit the same fear of separation with me or my mother that he consistently exhibits with my ex-wife to be.
I am moving out of state soon, and my son will be with me out of state and attend school out of state; he will be coming back to stay with his mother for a couple months each summer.
Given our seasonal plan for custody splitting, do you have a recommendation on whether the child would do well to have his mother around and should he see her consistently whilst we still live in the same city, or would it be healthier for him if we give him a clean break from his mother until he has adjusted to life with me, his father, and his grandmother more fully? My mother and I suspect if he sees her he’ll revert back to his intense separation anxiety and it will be harder on him overall. We are also worried that seeing her on and off over the next few months as we prepare for the move will make it harder for him to adjust to the out of state move generally. I would deeply appreciate any guidance you may have. Thank you so much for your help!
Thanks for your comment. What might help you the most is to engage a therapist to help in answering your questions about custody. It is best to work with someone who knows you, your ex-wife and son and your situation. Best of luck to you and your son.
Hello,
I have found myself in a similar situation and my child (3 years old) is struggling with going back and forth between households during the school week but the alternate parent dismisses my concerns and is taking me to court to fight for joint custody and a parenting time schedule that grants the ability to switch back and forth throughout the week. Is there anything I can do or provide to the court to support the difficulty this can have on a child and how this can disrupt sleep schedules?
I might suggest an evaluation of your child by the court to ascertain the effects on your child. This can be done with the help of an attorney for your child, a Guardian ad litem. A psychologist or child psychiatrist can evaluate the situation and report to the court.
You might also do a search online for articles or ask your attorney for reading material about this. Attending a group of parents that are dealing with this issue post-divorce may also be helpful.
My ex and I have polar opposite attachment styles, parenting styles, home environments you name it. There are also 4 kids so a lot of schedule juggling to do. He is rigid and would rather utilize a sitter when help is needed where I would rather utilize each other and have flexibility in the schedule so kids can do activities and have quality time with parents. I had primary he had frequent visits which were becoming less frequent as kids got older, busier, and started refusing. He went back for 50/50 and got it which has made the kids even more combative and necessitates relying on each other or a sitter even more. Suggestions on how to combat this and show the courts how bad this is?
To learn more about this and find a way out of the situation, you may be interested in reading my book, “Living on Automatic: How Emotional Conditioning Shapes Our Lives and Relationships.” It is co-authored by my mentor, Homer B. Martin, MD. In the book we explain how the polar opposites you mention come about and what you can do to combat the situation.